Blessed with extremely clever parents I was born the intellectual runt of the family. When offered the shaped pegs and pointed hopefully in the direction of the appropriate holes? I decided the pegs smelled good and tried to eat them! Another trip to casualty, another balding man in glasses slowly shaking his head at me and calling me “Tiger.”
Goodness knows how the genius gene slipped by me like a stranger in the night! My brother’s clever, my Sister’s sharp as a tack, but I fell out of the dumb tree and hit every branch on the way down. All my life I’ve watched them effortlessly scoop academic accolades while I…? Well I’ve just had to rely on these damned good looks! Oh the pain!
But nature decided she had more fun in mind for me than a drastically short attention span and….. oh.. what was I saying??.. ah yes! She decided to give me a love of computer gaming and then to smite me with an almost absolute inability to be any good at them!
Not a fantastic combination to take with you into the world of online gaming and I have discovered after intensive research, that much of the online gaming community has an extremely low tolerance threshold for the challenged of concept and the inept of mouse.
How then would I fare in a milieu whose greatest social prerequisite seemed to be the ability to shoot somebody inbetween the eyes from one hundred meters, with lighting speed and pixel perfect accuracy?
I took my question into the arena and threw myself at the mercy of various online FPS’s in the hopes of gaining enlightenment, beginning with Novalogics “Black Hawk Down”
Now if ever there was a player base whose skills are honed to the point of scariness, BHD wins the award hands down. So much as poke your nose out from the shallow cover of a Wadi, and expect to have it removed by a stream of hot lead. Dare to set foot inside your own HQ building and be prepared to be blasted to smithereens by the intricate network of mines placed by the enemy.
Set foot on an official “Sniper Server” and you’ll be hard pressed to even see the enemy, but they seem to have no trouble at all spotting you. Some servers enforce a strict sniping only policy, condemning the practice to crossing the map for close quarters combat, or as they rather unpleasantly term it, “Base Raping.” While others actively encourage forays into enemy territory. Sniper rifles are cast aside in favour of automatic weapons, or for that ultimate kill, the knife between the shoulders of the unsuspecting sniper.
During my experiment I found one server which was fairly sociable, so a hearty Badger “Well Done” to the chaps at “Sniperville.” But the rest for the most part conducted business in stony silence, concentrating instead on the serious business of filling me with lead.
“Excuse me, am I wearing a yellow hunting jacket or something?” I queried as I was treated to the tenth dirt nap in a five minute period. Silence and somewhere in the distance a lonely church bell began to chime.
“I must apologise” I announced elsewhere. “But I appear to have bled on your boots!” …..Silence.
“Okay, which of you spelled out “newbie” on my jacket in bullet holes?”…. tumbleweed rolls by and exits stage left.
The saving grace though? Vehicles which can be ridden on, albeit in the “on rails” style and many have weapons to be manned. Most fun of which I found to be the “Blackhawk” helicopter, armed with the deadly “Minigun” with which even I could not miss! What joy to see the previously impervious foe, scurry like ants beneath me as I played Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries at full blast on the CD player, while I made them dance the “chain gun cha cha.”
Not a game which is too forgiving of those with a lack of talent however, and so with a cheery wave I moved onto my next subject, “Americas Army.”
Apparently conceived as an actual recruiting tool for the US military, “AA” actually caught my imagination from the start. A clever system of tutorials sees you undertaking various field challenges and even written tests, to be rewarded “in-game” by access to ever more equipment and missions. This meant that despite myself I was actually able to achieve a certain level of competence in the safety of private sessions, before embarking on an online career.
Unfortunately the delicate illusion is shattered as soon as you set foot among live players, when any pretence at following the “training” is abandoned in favour of a no holes barred headlong rush at the enemy.
In its favour I would have to say that “AA” boasts an excellent website with links to a number of lively and enthusiastic forums. Visiting some of which uncovers a select group of players who know only too well the limitations of the public servers and dedicate themselves to a more realistic experience.
During my short visit with these friendly and helpful folk, I was treated to a number of hints and tips which actually proved rather useful in the field. But once again the level of ineptitude on display from your Badger was more than a match for any sage wisdom on offer.
The biggest problem I had aside from a basic inability to hit anything I was supposed to, was that of actually identifying the enemy. “AA” has a clever system by which you play as the American Army and you see the enemy (Or OPFOR as we … ahem.. military types say.) as terrorists. But all the while they are playing as the US Army and see you the same way! (Neat eh?)
So on the surface of things you might assume that I would have no problem telling the difference between the bad guys and the good guys and everything in the garden should be rosy.
This is not the case though and whether or not it has something to do with my being colour blind I don’t know, but whatever the reason I can’t make them out at a distance and by the time they were close enough for me to effectively identify… I was usually an Ex Badger, pushing up daisies and pining for the Fjords.
The simple advice given to me on the forum to “Shoot the guys heading toward you because your guys are heading the other way.” Proved disastrous in practice as I repeatedly shot my own men as they sought better firing positions on the battlefield! Oh and what language we were treated to then let me tell you!
An interesting game then, but once again the clumsy need not apply. So with regret I turned my attention to the final title in my experiment, “Day of Defeat.”
On the face of it Day of Defeat would seem to have a lot going for it. In the first place if you have the original “Halflife” hiding on your shelves somewhere (and which of us hasn’t) then the game is a free download as it uses the “HL” code.
Secondly from my point of view the colour blindness ceases to be a problem as the Allies V’s Axis dynamic sees you in one of two very distinctive uniforms with very little room for identification problems and thirdly it’s extremely easy to get a game going as it’s all done through the “Steam” network and nothing is more than one or two clicks away.
Selecting the Allies at “Anzio” I quickly found myself in the high laced boots of a Staff Sergeant armed with an “M1 Carbine”, advertised as a weapon with “light recoil and quick firing accuracy.” In other words just the job for the Badger about town from whom the proverbial “side of a barn” is in absolutely no danger.
No sooner had I begun though than I encountered DoD’s first hurdle. It seems to be populated to a large degree by kiddies.
“Now what kind of a thing is that to say!?” I hear you ask and you’d be absolutely right of course. How unreasonable of me is it to be complaining about children playing a game! If anything they should be complaining about an old duffer like me getting in the way.
But having been victim on many occasions to the “twitch gaming” skills of my six year old nephew, who effortlessly trounces me every time I visit and am duly placed in front of his chosen vehicle of execution, “Call of Duty.” I find myself hoping for the more dignified (hopefully) competition of contemporaries. How hypocritical I know, to resist “unleashing the inner child” in the company of children… but there you go.
“My Grandma can play this game better than you Badger!” Quipped the first whelp when confronted by my unique approach, which takes the “Die Hard” theme and subtly twists it into “Die First.” “How nice” I replied. “Is she single?”
The knee biter lapsed into silence at this point, doubtless treating the remark with the distain it deserved and concentrated instead on seeking me out for termination on as many occasions as possible over the ensuing twenty minutes! (Little swine!)
Then there’s this “Leet Speak” thing! What’s all that rubbish eh? I can’t bear reading it.
“Whelp two” was that rarity… somebody I could actually shoot. I suspect that the poor chap was playing on a 56k connection and compared to this my fat 2meg broadband con was enough to counter balance even your Badgers shortcomings.
I froze on rounding a corner to find this fellow laying in wait, machine gun at the ready, then stood in amazement as he emptied an entire clip in my direction which left me without a scratch! Recovering quickly (ish) I returned the favour, my Carbine barking out it’s ugly greeting and cutting down the poor lad in his prime.
“OMG U R HAXOR” he croaked with his dying breath. At last, some recognition. I had no idea what he had just said, but he was obviously in awe of my skills! Then I made the mistake of pausing for a moment to look it up.
“Wait just a moment!” I growled. “Are you accusing me of tampering with the code in some way my good sir?”
“3V3R’/B0D’/, B4D93R 15 4 HAXOR” He continued peevishly, (Which might have suffered a little from memory..sorry) which I surmised was a general warning of my alleged fowl play. Quite how he had arrived at this conclusion given my ratio of one kill v’s about twenty deaths is beyond me!
So all in all then not an entirely successful adventure into the world of online combat and I’d have to say that my initial question stubbornly resists an answer. Where can the less skilled player call home, where are the mature minded gamers who will share a cup of cocoa with you before shooting you in the head.
My impossible search will doubtless continue though and even now I am considering the free online space combat stylings of “Allegiance” whilst remaining acutely aware that in space, no-one can hear a Badger scream.
