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Author Topic: Since you yanks will be over here in Blightey for a while !
Sailor Malan
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Member # 607

posted 11-24-1999 10:44 PM     Profile for Sailor Malan   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Let's tell you some Cricket jokes to teach you some true English Culture (Apart from warm Beer and Pubs that is!)

English cricket........
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley,
Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering
where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in
the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next
ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.


Posts: 118 | From: Weybourne on Thames | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
MadWallaby
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Member # 1043

posted 11-25-1999 02:52 AM     Profile for MadWallaby   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Sailor,

This is an admirable effort to forcefeed the Americastani some culture, but I think we should take a couple of steps back. I think some background is needed.

Ahem.

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out, and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, the match is over.

I hope this clears things up.

Merv Hughes has a wider turning circle than the Queen Mary.
- Ian Chappell.


Posts: 139 | From: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
Tobiwan
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Member # 420

posted 11-25-1999 04:34 AM     Profile for Tobiwan   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
It's like a civilized version of Baseball.
Posts: 893 | From: Amanzimtoti, KWA-Zulu, South Africa | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
JWC
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Member # 116

posted 11-25-1999 04:44 AM     Profile for JWC     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Back when I saw an occasional match or two on VERY late night TV (all sports channel had no infomercials at that time), my impression of cricket was that it was sort of like baseball. Of course in cricket, the batter fouls the ball off and his team scores 6 runs!
Posts: 1633 | From: College Station, Texas, USA | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Nashwan
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Member # 91

posted 11-25-1999 11:53 AM     Profile for Nashwan   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Sailor Malan - Did you post this before todays sorry display or after? And are South Arfricans getting more interested in cricket because their rugby team is going downhill faster than an A8 at full throttle?
(I'm not English by the way)

Posts: 514 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Stanley99
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Member # 169

posted 11-25-1999 12:09 PM     Profile for Stanley99     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Once I watched a cricket game - but as I don't know the rules, it's all gobbledigook for me. So I prefer rugby - a mass-beating, performed by gentlemen... and I still stick to the All Blacks!


Stan

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Every man dies, not every man really lives.

[This message has been edited by Stanley99 (edited 11-25-1999).]


Posts: 3692 | From: Vienna, 3rd rock left | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
mane_raptor
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Member # 845

posted 11-25-1999 12:31 PM     Profile for mane_raptor   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Cricket is a game??!!! I thought it was a bunch of silly blokes standing around wearing padding, white sweaters and making up the rules as they went along.

No wonder the British empire folded..

(This is all in good taste and sarcastic, each to his/her own...just try to explain American football rules to a Limey sometime!)

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Check six & aim for the cockpit.


Posts: 6145 | From: Maine USA, Proud Member of ELF (EAW Liberation Front) | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
Gavin
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Member # 1127

posted 11-25-1999 01:03 PM     Profile for Gavin   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Sorry, my country thinks the greatest thing is grown men with no teeth beating the snot out of each other while standing on ice.

If the guy is too far away to punch, you have a stick to whack him with.

If he's still too far away, you have this great little rubber projectile that can be slapped at him with great velocity, hopefully breaking his one remaining tooth or bruising him so badly that he can now be caught and beaten soundly.

You can imagine how we regard cricket...


Posts: 370 | From: Victoria, BC, Canada. | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
mane_raptor
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Member # 845

posted 11-25-1999 01:06 PM     Profile for mane_raptor   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Gavin...

I used to do that too, but gave it up when I took a slapshot to the right knee, still enjoy a good game (fight)...Go UMaine Black Bears!!!!

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Check six & aim for the cockpit.


Posts: 6145 | From: Maine USA, Proud Member of ELF (EAW Liberation Front) | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
mane_raptor
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Member # 845

posted 11-25-1999 01:09 PM     Profile for mane_raptor   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Sailor Malan...

Where's the rest of the English culture..Warm beer esp Guinness great, Pubs and darts better, English and Irish Lassies, best of all!!

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Check six & aim for the cockpit.


Posts: 6145 | From: Maine USA, Proud Member of ELF (EAW Liberation Front) | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
JG5_Volt
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Member # 343

posted 11-25-1999 01:52 PM     Profile for JG5_Volt   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
S! Mane_Raptor
I would just like to point out that my favourite tipple Guinness is NEVER served warm. Chilled yes Ice Cold even better

Posts: 256 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Whizkid
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Member # 993

posted 11-25-1999 02:25 PM     Profile for Whizkid     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
S! JG5-----Sir,you amaze me!Since when did they start serving Guinness cold?I believe the right temperature should be about 40degrees or close.Of course,since the Aussies started to buy the Pubs in London everythings gone to Hell!Why they even put in Electronic Darts!Theres a wimpy game for you!Whats wrong with a pointed piece of steel whistling past your head?Just keep your head down a bit. No problem!DYK,they have never even heard of Mild And Bitter?What a crock!
Posts: 269 | From: CitrusHts,Ca.,USA | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
mane_raptor
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Member # 845

posted 11-25-1999 08:10 PM     Profile for mane_raptor   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
I have been known to handle a pint or two of Guinness in my time, but Bushmills, (Black Bush to be exact) is top shelf with me.

Keep a bottle in the frige or at room temp, I'll take either.

As for darts, I agree, plastic tips are for wimps. When we play Cricket, if the shot bounces out, you only get a re-play if it draws blood (does not matter who's).

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Check six & aim for the cockpit.


Posts: 6145 | From: Maine USA, Proud Member of ELF (EAW Liberation Front) | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged

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