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Author Topic: Heres alittle something to make you laugh..
CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 02-03-2000 07:13 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
This was posted by someone over at the Panzer Elite Community. seems pretty much correct to me.. LOL (if youre former military it'll sound very familiar..HAHAH )

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (e.g., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your requisition status for anti-snake kit is
"CZ" (cancelled, wrong FSN, you must reorder with proper FSN)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in he future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Field psychiatrist: -- assume the snake is dead.... How do you
feel about that?

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Obersleutnant K. von Hess
I/JG52 Gruppen Kommandeur

quote:
God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.
Voltaire (1694-1778)

Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
DBond
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Member # 37

posted 02-03-2000 07:29 AM     Profile for DBond   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
ROTFLMAO!!

Good stuff CFran!

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"Do not ask how strong the enemy is, but where he is to be found." Motto of the Soviet Fighter Pilot


Posts: 814 | From: Mays Landing, N.J.,USA | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Karac
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posted 02-03-2000 07:48 AM     Profile for Karac   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Thanks CFran.
Posts: 88 | From: | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
cobraj
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posted 02-03-2000 08:32 AM     Profile for cobraj   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
thanks for breaking up the morning LOL
Posts: 2367 | From: pahked just outside of Boston | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
Pharaoh
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posted 02-03-2000 08:53 AM     Profile for Pharaoh   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
ROFLMAO!! Number 3 . . . It's TRUE!!!!
Last outfit I served with was CAV Armor at Ft.Irwin. Also taught a desert survival class there. I was ALWAYS on these tankers to leave the poor damn snakes alone!!

Great post CFran, coping to send to my assorted vet buddies.

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"A mind is like a parachute; it only functions when it is open." Sir Lewis Dewar

One step further, "I may not agree with what you say but will fight to the death for your right to say it"


Posts: 2180 | From: Harrison, AR,USA | Registered: Nov 1999  |  IP: Logged
GunFodder
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Member # 2232

posted 02-03-2000 09:01 AM     Profile for GunFodder   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Pharaoh...What goes around comes around. I was in a column of M-1s when I had the good fortune to watch the TC and loader un-*** , what was without a doubt, the finest main battle tank in the galaxy at the time (early 80s). They appeared to be in a big hurry. The cause? Snake in the turret...
Posts: 84 | From: Maryland, USA | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
GunFodder
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posted 02-03-2000 09:04 AM     Profile for GunFodder   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Oh, I didn't realize I had said a bad word...sorry, I meant un-arse...as in to leave quickly....
Posts: 84 | From: Maryland, USA | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
CFrancisco
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posted 02-03-2000 09:29 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
HAHAHA Jake the snake always seems to find a nice new home down south..

I always make sure jake aint in the old Firing position hole, sleeping bag in my shelter half, or in the latrine before i take a seat them watersnakes always find a home.. one scared the crap outta me on orientation course at Ft.Knox back in 86. stupid thing was crossing right where i needed to go. HAHAHA

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Obersleutnant K. von Hess
I/JG52 Gruppen Kommandeur

quote:
God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.
Voltaire (1694-1778)

Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
No609OzZiggy
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Member # 2890

posted 02-03-2000 10:29 AM     Profile for No609OzZiggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
hey fran bloody funny ..i was in amoured recon (cav) in asustralia and number three is definately true

S!

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The Foot just aint enough
(i need the whole rabbit)


Posts: 109 | From: germany | Registered: Feb 2000  |  IP: Logged
matttm
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Member # 662

posted 02-03-2000 02:58 PM     Profile for matttm   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Can someone fill in the blanks for me..

Rolling On The Floor Laughing M_____ A____ O______

Cannot remember what it stands for (got to cut down the drinking...)

Matt.


Posts: 692 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
Listermann
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Member # 1709

posted 02-03-2000 04:34 PM     Profile for Listermann   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
That is absolutely hilarious. Especially the B-52 ARCLIGHT.

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.....and whats left over is what they make cheese from!


Posts: 12 | From: Barrie, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2000  |  IP: Logged
DBond
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Member # 37

posted 02-03-2000 05:30 PM     Profile for DBond   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Matt~

M= My A= Arse O= Off

------------------
"Do not ask how strong the enemy is, but where he is to be found." Motto of the Soviet Fighter Pilot


Posts: 814 | From: Mays Landing, N.J.,USA | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
matttm
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posted 02-03-2000 06:14 PM     Profile for matttm   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Thank you DBond!

Matt.


Posts: 692 | From: Sydney, Australia | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
bucky-s
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posted 02-04-2000 12:29 AM     Profile for bucky-s   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Yo CFran,

What were you doing at Knox? ROTC?


Posts: 179 | From: Shizuoka City, Japan | Registered: Dec 1999  |  IP: Logged
no609_OzZiggy
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Member # 1550

posted 02-04-2000 04:26 AM     Profile for no609_OzZiggy   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
well well well

heheh a mate of mine who was in the lead carrier locked both tarcks and brought our whole column to a thumping -shunting halt as each driver (red dust clogging eyes) went int the back of the acrrier in front ...poor assualt troopers like me got a real rough ride in the back ...anyway we see the crew bail like a bat from hell. apparently a snake had droped from a overhanging tree and fell into the crewcomanders turret between his legs and down int the depths of the m113....they spent hours tip towing about looking for the darn thing....australia has some of the most poisonous snakes in the world....eventually the fpound it drowned in the oil sump resevoiur under the floor plates.....if you have ever removed those buggers you can appreciate how much of a hassel it was....meanwhile me and about 40 other guys were recieving medical attention from the ambulance nurse for any ailment we could think of


Posts: 92 | From: at the moment germany munich (but im an aussie) | Registered: Dec 1999  |  IP: Logged
CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 02-04-2000 05:50 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
YES SIR BUCKY!

I did R(un)O(ff)T(o)C(ollege) thats why i spent time there. Along with all the other nice and wonderful Ft. down the eastern seaboard.. LOL

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Obersleutnant K. von Hess
I/JG52 Gruppen Kommandeur

quote:
God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.
Voltaire (1694-1778)

Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
bucky-s
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Member # 1588

posted 02-05-2000 12:46 AM     Profile for bucky-s   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Benning was otherworldly. Almost a "Truman Show" kinda environment. Outside of the Airborne AO, it's one gigantic country club. Ever been there?

Knox, on the other hand, I thought was kinda dumpy. Ditto Bragg, which is the only Army post I ever wondered about the safety of walking around at night in. Weird vibes there. Almost a Bronxy buzz.

Ever visited West Point? If Hitler had been American, it would have been his Bertchesgaden plus Lebensborn Aryan Warrior factory. Place even looked like something you find in the Rhine Valley somewhere. Part cathedral, part castle. Austere, beautiful, frosty.


Posts: 179 | From: Shizuoka City, Japan | Registered: Dec 1999  |  IP: Logged
CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 02-05-2000 12:03 PM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
HEHEHEH ... Bucky YOURE SUCH a...

RING KNOCKER!!

LOL HAHAHAHAHA GGGGGOOOOOOO!!! ARMY!!

S!

------------------
Obersleutnant K. von Hess
I/JG52 Gruppen Kommandeur

quote:
God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.
Voltaire (1694-1778)

Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged

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