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Author Topic: A Wake for Fifi- Fifi's Friday Fou Fou
I miss Fifi
unregistered

posted 10-22-1999 03:43 AM       Edit/Delete Post
In memory of a dear departed friend- she would not have laughed at this, and not retold it.....

IMMUTABLE LAWS OF NATURE

*I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.............Tomorrow is not looking good either
*I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
*Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
*Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
*Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
*I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
*Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
*My reality check bounced.
*On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
*I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
*You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
*Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
*Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
*Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
*A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
*Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
*After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
*The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
*You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
*Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
*When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
*If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
*There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
*Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
*Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
*To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
*Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
*Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
*If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
*You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
*People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
*If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
*At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
*When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
*Following the rules will not get the job done.
*Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
*When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
*The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

But then you knew all that stuff anyway …. hey!?!.


"On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
* The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any !


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Rudy G
Member
Member # 113

posted 10-22-1999 04:00 AM     Profile for Rudy G   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
LoL.....

I like that last part

hehe

Rudy G


Posts: 94 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Ugo Drago
Member
Member # 675

posted 10-22-1999 04:21 AM     Profile for Ugo Drago   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
The Friday joke? Although Ugo takes life seriously he remembers this one ...

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in South Africa in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car
broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'
with my sons Eugene and Petrus."

She looks through the screen door and sees two strapping young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in their early twenties.

"Okay", she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little
horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly
goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you
the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear
these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all
night long.


Forty years later Eugene and Petrus are sitting on the front porch, rocking bak
and forth.
Eugene says, "Petrus?"
Petrus says, "Yeah, Eugene?"
Eugene says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Petrus, "'Course I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Eugene.
"Nope," says Petrus, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Eugene, "Let's take these things off."


Posts: 63 | From: | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
Nelson
unregistered

posted 10-22-1999 04:34 AM       Edit/Delete Post
Ugo

Apology accepted- Fortunate choice of names- lucky you did not use Nelson and Temba- then I would be upset all over again !
United in a new EAW !

The Italians are still sh*t soldiers though
BTW- If there was some thruth in the "joke"- the car would have been hi-jacked long before the next day, and the girl would still be there, barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen (no offense ladies)


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Ugo Drago
Member
Member # 675

posted 10-22-1999 04:43 AM     Profile for Ugo Drago   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Ha yes! Grappa all round, slapping on the backs, hearty guffaws and a sharing of the camaraderi of war!

Now, Salvatore you lazy Calibrese! Chocks off the Folgore! We have a HE telegram to deliver!!

Ugo Drago Ace Poet Lover and future candidate for UN Secretary General


Posts: 63 | From: | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
Tobiwan
Member
Member # 420

posted 10-22-1999 05:32 AM     Profile for Tobiwan   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Ya, yikkles, bru that mos a goed joke ne!

Most people I know called Petrus are just that stupid.

Hey Nelson!!!:
Good thing there are no Afrikaanse people on this site or they would have got really pissed off, hey?!!
Ok, look, so most of them are thick but surely it is just AS BAD, insult them?? Just as wrong? I mean that joke would have been no worse if it had been Temba and Sipho!

Think about it.


Posts: 893 | From: Amanzimtoti, KWA-Zulu, South Africa | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Petrus
unregistered

posted 10-22-1999 05:51 AM       Edit/Delete Post
Matthys

Gaan spring in die see bliksemse Engelsman !

Petrus


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KrashnBurn
Member
Member # 21

posted 10-22-1999 05:52 AM     Profile for KrashnBurn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Arrrggggh...capuccino out the nose again!! I thought that problem would be solved when Fifi disappeared. I'm going to have to start wearing a bib to work on Fridays, or plastic shirts!

Krash


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Wulfman
Member
Member # 329

posted 10-22-1999 06:36 AM     Profile for Wulfman   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
In loving memory to Fifi:

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there the lines stretches from where he is standing (the back) out of view for miles. He stands in line for hours, without it moving. Hours turn into days but the line has still not moved. He gets out of line and walks to the front where he finds Saint Peter.
"Saint Peter," he says "How come I have to stand in this line. I was a good man all of my life, I followed the Commandments, I went to church. How come I can't just get into Heaven?"
"Sorry," says Peter "But there are so many people entering heaven these days that is takes months to check everyone out. You are just going to have to wait your turn."
The man turns to head back to the end of the line when he sees a man dressed in a flight suit walking up to the gate. His boots are shined as bright as mirrors, his flight suit is pressed and impeccable, and his captain's bars shine on his flight cap like the sun. He walks right up to the gate, throws Peter a salute, and strolls on in.
"What's the deal with that guy? Why does he get to skip line and walk right in?" asked the man. "Oh, that's the Lord. He likes to pretend he's an Air Force pilot." says Peter.


Posts: 9 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Ugo Drago
Member
Member # 675

posted 10-22-1999 06:50 AM     Profile for Ugo Drago   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Things never to say to a naked Italian pilot

1) I've smoked joints fatter than that.
2) Ahh, it's cute.
3) I'm sorry.
4) Who circumcised you?
5) Why don't we just cuddle?
6) You know they have surgery to fix that.
7) You know, there's a tower in Pisa like that.
8) Can I paint a smiley face on that?
9) Wow, and your feet are so big.
10) My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
11) It's OK, we'll work around it.
12) Eww, there's an inchworm on your thigh.
13) Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
14) Oh no, a flash headache!
15) My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16) Let me go get my tweezers.
17) How sweet, you brought incense!
18) This explains your car.
19) Are you one of those pygmies?
20) All right! A treasure hunt!
21) Why is God punishing you?
22) But it still works, right?
23) Do you take steroids?
24) Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
25) Let me know when you're done.
26) Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
27) Aww, it's hiding.
28) Are you cold?
29) If you get me real drunk first.
30) Is that an optical illusion?
31) Were you neutered?
32) It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
33) Does it come with an air pump?
34) So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
35) Do I hang my hat on it?
36) Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!


Posts: 63 | From: | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged
KrashnBurn
Member
Member # 21

posted 10-22-1999 07:12 AM     Profile for KrashnBurn   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Hey I just noticed the nationalities joke mentioned 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman on that island, but didn't say what happened to them after the first month...

I have my own suggestion:

* The two Australian men are busy playing cricket and betting on which of the Americans will kill themselves first. They haven't noticed that there are any women on the island yet.

Krash


Posts: 92 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Gestapo
unregistered

posted 10-22-1999 07:24 AM       Edit/Delete Post
MMMMPFRRGTTTTT !!

Scheiß- there goes my ersatz Cappacino again - Heinz arrest Herr Kraut- he made me mess meiner Coffee !!!


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Senior Torturer Heinz
unregistered

posted 10-22-1999 07:41 AM       Edit/Delete Post
But but...herr kommandant...'Kraut' haz not posted a joke yet? We will happily arrest und torture zem all, but vood you not like to be more specifik? It vil save vear on ze zumscrews...

STH


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Gestapo
unregistered

posted 10-22-1999 07:52 AM       Edit/Delete Post
Heinz

- DON'T BE KLEVER MIT MICH !!
I distictly said Krash- not Kraut- Ich don't bash du around ze ears enough- und zat is vhy du hear properly- nein !!

(hehehehe)- Vhat are you looking at get to vork !!


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VonBroam
Member
Member # 39

posted 10-23-1999 08:27 AM     Profile for VonBroam   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
HA!!!!! Yu silly people. FIFI is not dead!! Reliable persons (who wish to remain unidentified) have seem one MMe FIFI dining at an upscale Atlanta Georgia cafe. After a rigorous questioning (ja Hans, you can taken der luger from his ear now) a waiter revealed that the lady had been a guest of a certain MR. Presley.......

VonBroam (President of the FIFI Is Not Dead Club of America (FIFIINDCA)) out


Posts: 327 | From: Beaufort, South Carolina | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged

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