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Author Topic: Fifi's Friday Fou Fou
Fifi Maraudiere
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Member # 23

posted 09-24-1999 02:24 AM     Profile for Fifi Maraudiere   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Fifi is 'appy to start a tradition of exchanging the Friday laugh, to put people in the mood for some serious weekend flying and fighting, yes?

So here is 'er contribution:

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly small mistake!"


Posts: 47 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Chris
unregistered

posted 09-24-1999 02:32 AM       Edit/Delete Post
Hey, good idea, I need a pickme up to get me through today . . . midway through upgrading all our users to Office 2000 =:-(

Here's one of my faves:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"



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Enola Gay
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Member # 359

posted 09-24-1999 03:02 AM     Profile for Enola Gay   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Excuse this CFSer for still hanging out at your forum, got it admit it's more lively...

Friend in the air national guard sent me this one which is supposedly doing the rounds after Kosovo. Extracts from real maintenance logs...

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

EG


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Tailskid
unregistered

posted 09-24-1999 03:18 AM       Edit/Delete Post
I never posted before Im just a reader but hey LOL you people are loopy I know its a stupid handle cant think of antyhing else bye
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Tailskid
unregistered

posted 09-24-1999 05:58 AM       Edit/Delete Post
I have one . . .

A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters, was the word "CAUTION." Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick."


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CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 09-24-1999 06:27 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Heres one that i think you guys would like..

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass
the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that
their planes were better because of their manueverability, weaponry and the like.

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeh? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just
watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was
that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went in the back and took a piss."


Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 09-24-1999 06:45 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
HE HE HO.. 'ere is a petite jest.. oui.. pour mon pettite cabage fifi..

One warm and beautiful spring day Pierre and his lovely girlfriend were sitting alongside the River Seine in Paris enjoying a picnic lunch. After lunch, Pierre became aroused and decided to entice Marie into a little fourplay. As they were kissing, Marie became increasingly excited and she said to Pierre, "Oh Pierre kiss me." So Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine from the basket and pours it on Marie's lips and she asks, "Why do you do this strange thing Pierre?" He calmly and smoothly replies. "My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I have red meat, I like to have red wine." As Marie is becoming more and more aroused she says, "Oh Pierre kiss me lower!" To which Pierre obliges her and begins to kiss on her breasts. Without hesitation Pierre reaches for the basket and pulls out a bottle of white wine and pours it on her breasts. "Why Pierre?" she asks, to which he calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Fighter Pilot and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." She cannot hold herself back any longer and she tells him, "Oh Pierre kiss me lower!" Suddenly Pierre pulls out a bottle of Cognac,pours it on her bush and lights it on fire. Marie screams at the top of her lungs, "Why Pierre, why?" To which Pierre calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames."


Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
JG5_Volt
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Member # 343

posted 09-24-1999 06:56 AM     Profile for JG5_Volt   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
You git CFRAN I get to the bottom of the page and you've posted the only Airman joke I know !!
Posts: 256 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 09-24-1999 07:06 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
DOH! ... sorry..

"when youve got the shot take the shot"..

check 6.. JG52 VonHess thumper..out..


Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
JG5_Volt
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Member # 343

posted 09-24-1999 07:07 AM     Profile for JG5_Volt   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
So instead I'll tell you about the 2 marines hiding from snipers in a house in Bosnia. The one says to his mate I'm off for a leak and disappears off. Half hour later he re-appears and his mate asks him where he's been. He replies that some bosnian woman has just given him the f#!* off his life. Did you get a blow job his mate asked ? No he said I couldn't find her head !!
Posts: 256 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Fifi Maraudiere
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Member # 23

posted 09-24-1999 07:12 AM     Profile for Fifi Maraudiere   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Fifi is shocked and 'orrified at the tone of this alleged joke M. Cfran...she is slapping you with the open palm (careful not to chip the long nails)SLAP SLAP.

Fifi would also like to point out that chou, or cabbage as you put it, is NOT a term of endearment where Fifi come from >

'oo you get one more slap for being so bold - SLAP (pop pop pop)

...put away that white wine M Cfran...Fifi knows you are a vegetarian.


Posts: 47 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Fifi Maraudiere
Member
Member # 23

posted 09-24-1999 07:23 AM     Profile for Fifi Maraudiere   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
And you too M. Volt...Fifi thinks you should be renamed to REvolt. You get also the SLAP.

Please to remember there are ladies present and be'ave as officers AND gentlemen.

Fifi
Who 'opes to lift the tone again with this little 'umor.


An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message from the B-52 crew was, "That's nothing, we can things in this baby you only dream of."

"Watch this," the B52 captain said. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, for about ten minutes. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"Got up, stretched my legs, made a coffee and had a crap."


Posts: 47 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
JG5_Volt
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Member # 343

posted 09-24-1999 07:36 AM     Profile for JG5_Volt   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Fifi,
Glad you liked it but you really should read the other posts before repeating a joke !!
S!

Posts: 256 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
CFrancisco
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Member # 33

posted 09-24-1999 08:13 AM     Profile for CFrancisco   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
but fifi... white white is good with vegetables NO? ... hahahaha

Posts: 4364 | From: NYC, NY | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Fifi Maraudiere
Member
Member # 23

posted 09-24-1999 08:29 AM     Profile for Fifi Maraudiere   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Tres embarrassmént, I knew I 'ad 'eard it somewhere!!

'ee 'ee...it is to laugh.

Fifi


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Fifi Maraudiere
Member
Member # 23

posted 09-24-1999 08:31 AM     Profile for Fifi Maraudiere   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Oh yes, and for you M Cfran, yes, white wine is good with vegetables, but Fifi does not 'ave little turnips, she 'as melons.

Which demand champagne.

Fifi


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Hunedog
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Member # 94

posted 09-24-1999 10:19 AM     Profile for Hunedog   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Hey! What's the difference between a Nymphomaniac and a B-17? Not everyone's been in a B-17. Bah da Bing, Ba da Bang, Bah da Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!
Posts: 516 | From: Vancouver BC Canada | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Karnak
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Member # 139

posted 09-24-1999 10:24 AM     Profile for Karnak   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
A south-african friend related this one to me, it would have taken place in the '60s or '70s. While approaching Hamburg, a British Airways pilot asked ground control for a course correction to Hamburg Airport and was given the correction by the German air controler. A few minutes later the British Airways pilot asked for the vector again to verify it. At this point the ground controler got testy and after giving the information again, said in a snide voice "Haven't you ever been to Hamburg before?". The pilot responded, calmly "Yes, but we didn't stop that time."
Posts: 461 | From: San Rafael, California, USA | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
SDaly
unregistered

posted 09-24-1999 10:58 AM       Edit/Delete Post
Karnak,
I like that alot..LOL.

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frankie
unregistered

posted 09-24-1999 01:13 PM       Edit/Delete Post
i admit i laughed at that joke but...thinking about the bombing of Hamburg and Dresden, and how they purposely dropped high explosives to start fires and gut buildings, then dropped incendiaries to start massive firestorms and kill all the innocent civilians....somehow it just isnt as funny after i think of that. i know, i know lighten up.......
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RidgeRunner
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Member # 217

posted 09-25-1999 07:17 PM     Profile for RidgeRunner   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Dear Fifi,
Have ya'all got any nekked pichers ah yourself? Us fly boys fightin' fo' France sho get lonesum.

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LittleMax
unregistered

posted 09-26-1999 01:14 AM       Edit/Delete Post
Okay Fifi,
here is one from across the pond.
During WWII a school invited a RAF pilot to the school dinner, and to give a talk to the girls about the flying they had done. On the night a Polish pilot, flying for the RAF, turned up and proceeded to give his talk. During one mission description he proceeded thus...."as I came out of the clouds, there was a fokker just ahead of me, a fokker to my right and one just above me". The headmistress stood up and said, "Now these fokkers, they would be Focke Wolf 190's". The pilot spoke again..." Oh no, these fokkers was Messerschmitts!!"

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Edwin Rommel
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Member # 357

posted 09-27-1999 02:20 AM     Profile for Edwin Rommel   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Herr RidgeRunner

Unsere staffel has collected ze bits und pieces of B17's und B24's zat we shot down- plenty of pornographic material in ze "nose-art' zere to keep you happy.- Slightly dented und burnt und full of holes in zum cases-

Ve will ask zum of unsere Stuka oder Heinkel Fliegers to drop zem for you at your fliegerplatz- please zend us ze map reference und vaypoints und ve will make zure that zey get delivered

Vhat funny aksent du hav ?
E. R.

[This message has been edited by Edwin Rommel (edited 09-27-1999).]


Posts: 4399 | From: Dusty Oasis, Nord Afrika | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
RidgeRunner
Member
Member # 217

posted 09-28-1999 11:17 AM     Profile for RidgeRunner   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Mista Rommel,
Ya'all kin drop that stuff on th' Reichstag. Ah'm sho thoze prevert nazis leaders ah yooz will git mo' fun outta it than us.
P.S. Let us know wen ya'all er gonna be up thar an th' 4th FG will party wif youz.

Posts: 14 | From: | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Edwin Rommel
Member
Member # 357

posted 09-29-1999 04:23 AM     Profile for Edwin Rommel   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Herr Ridge

I vas only trying to make ze war shorter for you apart from shootink you down and entertaining you in der Stalag, nein?-

I am up zere all ze time shootink my computer to little bits- unfortunately it is zo expensive und much too slow from my part of ze world to play on-line, zo ve would have to think of one another next time I shoot down somebody from ze 4thFG.

Watch diener 6 uhr- !!! All ze time !!

E.R.


Posts: 4399 | From: Dusty Oasis, Nord Afrika | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Fulcrum
unregistered

posted 09-29-1999 09:49 AM       Edit/Delete Post
My god a flight sim board where the people have a sense of humour!

Anyway here's mine (not strictly aviation related but what the hell)

Boris Yeltsin is in Washington on a state visit, it goes wonderfully and on the last night there is a massive party in the White House.
Bill Clinton invites Yeltsin to play the grand piano and sing some old russian songs, Yeltsin agrees and sits to play the piano. Eventually he notices a large red button on the front of the piano, unable to restrain his curiosity he leans over and presses it whereupon a bucket above him tips over totally soaking him!
The WhiteHouse aids and staff laugh uproariously thinking this is great, Yeltsin just smiles thinly and congratulates Clinton on his "joke"

Several months later Clinton is invited to Moscow on a state visit which again goes wonderfully and ends in a massive party in the Kremlin. The party's fantastic and eventually Yeltsin invites Clinton to sit at a massive grand piano and play some of his American music, Clinton sits down and begins to play and he notices a small red button on the front of the piano, unable to contain his curiosity but knowing whats going to happen he leans over and presses the button, and...nothing happens...Yeltsin and the staff of the Kremlin laugh hysterically and slap each other on the back.
Clinton waits puzzedly until the laughter dies down and asks Yeltsin;
"Could you explain what was so funny, so I can return to the United States and explain this joke and the Russian sense of humour to my people?"
Yeltsin smiles "What, United States?"

I really like that one guess its my anti-capitilist communist tendencys coming to the fore again


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Stanley99
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Member # 169

posted 10-04-1999 05:36 PM     Profile for Stanley99     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Ok guys I found this in one of the delphi news-forums... it's written by a guy called FDCHASE, titled "An open letter from a flight-sim widow"....

Darling,
I'm posting this message in your newsgroup as I know this is the only way to get it to you since flight simulation entered our lives a couple of years ago.
The children are doing well. Our son is seven now and is a bright and handsome boy. He has developed quite a flair for art. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but your's was excellent. The computer, the model airplane, the chair, and the back of your head are rendered with stunning detail and accuracy. You would be very proud of him.

As you'll recall our precious little girl turned three in September. She still remembers that you spent the whole day with her on her birthday. What quality time it was for her when you allowed her to watch you re-enact the Battle of Britain! She was sorry that she crashed before your plane did, but she was *so* sleepy. Poor thing. When she asked how come Daddy's TV only had a grey picture, I told her you were staring at fog.
Was I right?

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to find out that blondes really do have more fun.
Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to all of us.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the dropcloths so you wouldn't be disturbed. They were very apologetic about splattering your maps and charts.

I've discovered that the household chores are much easier since you allow me to vacuum around you instead of using the feather duster that makes you sneeze and also streaks your goggles.

I will be at the ski lodge this weekend with Lars and the kids. But don't worry, darling, we have separate bedrooms, and he is well aware that I am married.
I will try to call you, but if the line is busy, then I'll know that you are connected by modem with your flight buddies demonstrating advanced manuevers.

The housekeeper has been instructed to keep your coffee cup filled and to give you a fresh straw every three hours. Just let her know when you're getting hungry and she'll give you some frozen pizza to suck on.

Good luck "knocking down those bogeys". Should be a fun weekend! ;-)
See you Sunday night!

Fondly,

Carol (Your wife)



Posts: 3692 | From: Vienna, 3rd rock left | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged
Edwin Rommel
Member
Member # 357

posted 10-05-1999 12:01 AM     Profile for Edwin Rommel   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post
Herr Stanley 99

Zis is a joke nein?- I hope zo!

Like mein grossmutter used to say
"An idle mind...................is ze best way to relax!"

Gut gemacht- I am printing zis off- it matches what meiner family would feel like soon if I don't kick ze habit.

E.R.


Posts: 4399 | From: Dusty Oasis, Nord Afrika | Registered: Sep 1999  |  IP: Logged

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