Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...... don't step on the ducks."So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this pig-ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly moose, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on............ a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wow. I wonder what good deed I did, to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity!"
The beautiful woman looks at him and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a ****ing duck."
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An old lady walks into the docters office.
"Doctor", she says, "I have this awful problem. I can't stop
farting. True, my farts are silent and they don't smell, so I'm
not offensive in any way and you can't know that I'm farting,
but I am completeley annoyed. I'll have you know that I've
already farted about 40 times since I came into your office. Please help me!"
"Interesting", the doctor says as he writes a prescription on his pad, "I'll give
you these pills for treatment. Take one a day and come back to me in a week".
A week goes by, and the old lady storms back into the doctors office. "What
have you done?!", she yells, "not only have I not stopped farting, but although
they are still silent, my farts now stink horribly!"
"Well madam", the doctor says," I see we've managed to treat your sinuses,
now we'll deal with your hearing!"
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She
brought in a variety of lifesavor candies and told the kids to
close their eyes and taste each flavor. The kids easily
identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when
the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavors, they were all
stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "It's something your mommy and daddy
probably call each other all the time."
Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick, spit
them out - they're assholes!"
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed,
"but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught
to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
is two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.
mmediately, the female parrots say,
"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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"Shadwell", they said "Go for it!"
"So I went for it and it was gone."
posted 07-10-2001 09:56 AM
posted 07-10-2001 10:16 AM
posted 07-10-2001 11:40 AM
posted 07-11-2001 03:14 AM
