HEE HEE HEE!

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

HAHAHAHA

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Oberstleutnant K. von Hess
I/JG52 Gruppen Kommandeur

quote:

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God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best.
Voltaire (1694-1778)

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That's why we won the war!!!

"Well, this here is my prize pig. Saved my family's life last year when the house burnt down. She charged in the door, woke us up and we all got out in time."

"That's great," replied the salesman, "but what about that wooden leg?"

"You know, this here pig is so strong, I used her to plow the north forty last year. Never seen a pig could pull a plow so fine."

"And the wooden leg........?"

"She's so gentle, all the grandkids can ride her like a horse. Comes when you call her, even fetches a ball," said the farmer.

"Well, those are all great stories, but I've gotta know - how'd she get that wooden leg?" asked the salesman.

"Weelll," drawled the farmer, "when you got a hog as good as this one, you want to eat her real slow."

Ich habe ein(e?) kleine Deutsch. Drei jarhe junior hoch und hoch schule. Meine grammer ist sehr schtinky, ja?

Dein(e?) website sehr cool ist!

Judging from what an American who was a medic at that tragic Ramstein airshow told me, just be sure to take cover whenever Italians are flying nearby!

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"Months of preparation, one of those few opportunities, and the judgement of a split second are what makes some pilots an ace, while others think back on what they could have done."

This thread title reminds of Fifi's Friday Fou Fou.

Sure do miss her, and the rest of her "family".

TQM

A WOMAN'S PRAYER: Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indulgent.

I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

Letter from a redneck mother: Dear son,

I'm writing this real slow because I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because we don't have one. The last family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. the first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain and I ain't seen `em since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

You know the coat you wanted me to send you? Well, Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know yet if you're an uncle or aunt.

Your Uncle John fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

There's not much news this time. Love, Mama.

"Hey pal, do you mind if I talk with your horse?"

The rancher says, "Mister, you're crazy if you think that horses can talk."

"Well, have you ever tried to talk to him?

"Of course not."

"Then how do you know he doesn't talk?"

"Aw, go ahead you nut, talk to the horse."

So the ventriloquist asks the horse how things are going.

"Oh, I ain't got it too bad, the rancher isn't too heavy, I've got fresh hay every day. There's a mare in the stables so I get a little every now and then. I really can't complain." The ranchers eyes are as big as saucers.

"Hey rancher, do you mind if I talk with your dog a bit?"

"Well, I don't know, do you think HE talks too?"

"Maybe the dog doesn't talk because you've never talked to him."

"Aw, hell mister, go ahead and talk to the dog."

So the ventriloquist asks the dog how he's doing.

"Oh, I'm pretty happy. The work's not too hard, I've got fresh food every night. There's even a bitch down the road that I mount sometimes...I really can't complain."

By now the ranchers eyes are as big as hubcaps.

"Hey rancher, do you mind if I talk with some of your sheep?"

At the end of the bar sits a large glass jar stuffed with $10 bills. The man motions the bartender over, "What's with the jar?, there must be $1000 in there."

The bartender replies,"Anyone who can complete three tasks gets the money."

"So what are the tasks?" asks the man.

"Put in $10 and I'll tell you,"

"What kind of crazy con game is this?

"Look, those are the rules. Put in your money or forget it."

"Okay, okay, so what do I have to do?" as the man shoves the money into the jar.

"Well, first of all, see that quart of jalapeno tequila? You have to down it in one shot.
Second, there's a rottweiler out back with a bad tooth. You have to pull it out.
Third, there's a seventy-five year old woman upstairs that's never had an orgasm. You have to make things right by her.
Then you get the money."

The man just shakes his head, "What a bunch of B.S." He takes his drink and heads for a table.

After a few hours and more than a few drinks, the man is feeling a little brave and decides he's going to show that smarta** bartender.

"Gimme that quart of tequila."

He starts chugging the tequila and even though the tears are streaming down his face he manages to finish it.
He slams the bottle down and shouts, "lemme at that dog!"
He staggers out the door and then there is a huge comotion outside - barking, yelling, things breaking - then it's quiet. The man wobbles back through the door, his clothes ripped and torn, his face bloodied. He grabs a chair to steady himself and turns to the bartender,

"Now where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"